Pandora seems to be hitting me really hard in the feels with its song selections right now...
It's been a while since I've posted, but believe me; I've been wanting to write these things out because there's just so much that's been on my mind.
I thought I came to a resolve.. But each time I thought I knew what I wanted, I kept going back to the other thing and before I knew it, I was caught in between everything all over again.
Realistically, there shouldn't be anything that I'm stuck in between. I'm just putting myself in the middle of a rock and a hard place.

I must be some type of masochist...

I'm really starting to dislike myself. The way I act, the way I do things, the way I think, the way I live.. That sounds dramatic, I'm sure. But it's just honestly how I feel.
I feel like I'm not growing up, when I should be. Instead I want to focus on stupid things like a boy, when I already have a man of my own. I'm unbelievably lucky to even have him as mine, and yet I can't help but still have some type of feelings for another.

Feelings are ridiculous...

I'm so focused on other aspects of my life, I can't even get my shit together academically either. I'm freaking doing horribly in almost all my classes, and I keep telling myself to devote more time to doing this and that; yet I end up just being a lazy little shit. I can't even comprehend what the hell I'm doing. I don't deserve to sleep or anything. I need to stop worrying so much about socializing and shit. I have other obligations, and I damn well need to prioritize them better. I'm just at a complete loss of what I'm doing with myself anymore.

My life is a shit show right now...

So.. Here I am.
Sitting with a blank stare and dizzy head.
There's so many things going on right now.
Why can't I just pick something and be decisive? I'm supposed to know what I want. I don't want to be a burden to anyone with my own indecisiveness..
 Let's try and list a couple thoughts out.

Thought #1:
  He is my other half. At least, that's what I've said countless times over the past 2 years. We've been through so many things. He's been my shoulder to cry on whenever I felt I couldn't stand on my own. He's been the one I would talk to for hours on end. He's gotten to know so many sides of me that I was scared to even show, but is there still other sides he doesn't know? I've let him see every inch of me, and he's accepted all of me. Flaws and all. He is kind, caring, compassionate, dedicated, inspiring, and so much more. In many ways, I aspire to be like him. He has always been perfect to me.
So, why am I having these other thoughts..?

Thought #2:
The other is so very charming. I don't know why or how I let it get to me, but it did. He's made me feel butterflies that I shouldn't. Whenever we have those small moments of just looking at each other, I start to feel something, and it feels right, but I panic at the same time. I've constantly told myself that it was just nostalgia. Being reunited with him was so refreshing, since we had to end our friendship at such a young and ignorant age (over something ridiculous). Being able to talk with him and actually be around him again made me feel very happy and nostalgic. It brought back so many memories and old feelings. I might just want to hold onto these feelings because I longed for him a long time ago.. But, there's so much I want to learn about him and I really like him for who he is at the moment. However, there are some parts of him I feel that have not been explored yet.. Nor do I know if I want to see the other sides of him.. Maybe he's just my outlet to get rid of loneliness..
Thee are some genuine feelings though...

These two main thoughts keep clashing and creating other small frantic thoughts. They're all bouncing around in my mind.
So much chaos in one head..

"Old habits die hard" This has been my exact thought for the past week or so. I've felt some nostalgia lately and it's making me want to hold onto something that I should definitely let go of. If I continue to pursue this nostalgia, it could very well ruin what I have now. I don't want to lose him. Nor would I give him up for anyone else.. Yet, I've been having this internal conflict with myself. I could just be indecisive, but I know better than that.

There's been this look in the other's eyes.. It looks like longing, but maybe I'm just hoping for that.

I feel so terrible. I need to learn to control myself.

I need to give up wanting things that could have been.